Radio London Pirate
Fashions (sponsored by Camp Coffee)

Hot from the cat o' nine tails walk, Nancy Boy Beardfumbler minces in with the latest designer gear for the pirate-about-ship.

As usual, stripes will commandeer buccaneer wear, as modelled by Dastardly Dick, our lovely cabin boy (below, right). But purple is this year's 'new' navy. I just love it, treasures! So does my friend Bob 'Big Cudgel' Codbotherer. (Pictured on deck, right)

It's also very practical for concealing bloodstains. The hacked-off beard and designer stubble is a must and chiffon scarves are very 'now'.

The divine outfit I'm modelling on the left is from the Stella McStarfish collection, and the look is pure 'big girl's blouse meets designer stubble'. These outfits are perfect to carry you right through a hard day's plunderin' into a romantic evening muckin' out the bilge pumps, with perhaps just the addition of a sharkskin handbag and a matching pair of thigh-high boots. Mmmm, Heaven!

Treasures:
Matching cutlass and sheath by Thugs-aaaarrrr-Us, £150.
Eyepatch by Pretty Patches, £5.00
Lipstick: Shock 'n' Tackle, by Man at the Helm, £9.50.
Beardibeads in Perfect Pink, by All Decked Out, £5.00
Classic gold hoop earrings and matching scarf ring by Ears Lookin' At You, £100

Tips:
Add designer scars with the Kevin Cling cheek pencil, £4.50.
The ultimate fashion accessory is, of course, the cabin boy, but they are much in demand and don't come cheap.
Crabs come as standard.

Not illustrated:
Sharkskin thigh boots and matching handbag by Junk From Jaws, £300.
Custom-made prosthetics by Not Off-the-Peg Legs, from £1,000 to order.
Fashion hand-replacements from Hooks to Die For
Parrots from Macaws Aaaarrrrr Yaws